[ talking is always what gets him places in the first place. no, talking to him was a weapon, a fine blade that he could draw at any time, even in defense of his whims. maybe it was something ingrained into him, something compulsive that he couldn't stop.
"what if I am everything I truly fear?" his child self had once posed the question, one that he couldn't contemplate with the mind of a magpie. moments like these made him appreciated it all the more. ]
Verity ...
[ he might need a little more ushering. he's not sure he's worth the comfort she's offering. ]
If I wanted to throw you out the window I'd have done it by now, let's face it.
[ Despite the wry words (a byway for Don't be scared), her smile deepens reflexively when he stays put and she lightly jostles his hands in hers. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she persists more gently. ]
[ he's not sure if he wants comfort, or if he wants anyone to forgive him, the idea that he could possibly be forgiven for such an atrocity weighed as heavily on his shoulders as the crime itself. on some level, all he wanted was to be appropriately punished for it, as in, whatever Loki believed was appropriate punishment. he had weighed the wrath of Thor that may come with it with Thor's acceptance, as well as his forced departure from the Young Avengers, because he was never quite sure how to deal with the possibility that they would accept him (Kate saw to it differently, of course). forgiveness would always come as a mixed bag—he could hurt them. deliberately, most likely.
[ A soft snort and an unimpressed smile is returned, wondering how different he is. She remembers standing at the foot of the stairs of a bright globe, speaking the same words, and being just as concerned when he looked uncertain about using Gram. I'm sorry, I'm sorry ... Funny how that makes sense now. ]
Probably never was.
[ She leads him to the window now he'll let her, one hand still in his as another runs through her hair before gesturing at the city spreading out before their feet. ]
This is a beautiful view, it really is. I could stand here for hours just watching it change. But even with all the imperfections I can see, I know there are crimes locked away where I can't. I'm not looking at just the part built up for show, I can see the whole truth of what's in front of me. [ A nod to their feet and the dizzying descent mere inches away. ] Not to mention that's a hell of a fall, I'd be completely useless if I took it. I'd lose my perspective.
[ It's hardly the subtlest metaphor. Then again, it's an offering for him to sink his teeth into, a solid foothold for his doubts. Verity offers a open smile. I know the scope of evil in your past, I can be comprehensive in my guesses without factoring in every little detail. I know how terribly you could rip this all apart. Caring about him is exasperating and painful, but he has to learn it's not something friends switch on and off as it suits. ]
I heard every word you just said. Every single one. [ Murderer. Staring at him intently, her brows cinch together. ] If I look like I'm falling all over myself to make you feel better, I'm not, you just have to let — to let someone help, at some point. Not even me if you think I don't get it, just anybody. Please? Maybe in a thousand years from now when the rest of us are dead and gone, but make sure you do do it, or you'll twist yourself into something you won't like.
[ It's strange. Knowing his world was so much bigger and now having been thrust into it through a metaphorical hedge backwards, all thanks to the Porter. The way he dismissed her back home still hurts even though it wasn't really him, even though he was spelled to be cold and cruel, and it hurts now too to know she's a blip on his radar, but that's made alright by knowing there are people who can help him through this. From her, he'll get no forgiveness or excuses, only patience and loyalty. He needs time to come to terms with who and what he is, his actions, and Verity is determined to muscle her way through his front door as many times as she needs to in order to be his anchor while he goes through that. ]
[ if anything, Loki was a master of the gameboard—a master of the greater perspective. he could see the pieces, the directions that they could move, and he could think of five, or six steps ahead. it was the blessing of every incarnation of Loki, from the one that returned after Ragnarok to the child self that used the entire Nine Realms as his playground. and now, he was this Loki, looking out with a new appreciation to whim and chaos, less stringent in the pulling of strings and needless control.
people were pawns to him in a dance to his own victory, and sometimes he felt as if he still got caught in the siren call of victory. he uses people to get there, and while "there" occasionally means all of his good intentions, it's still for the same means, no matter what the end.
he hesitates, looks out the window before averting his eyes. it's not about what he wanted, but more about what he deserved at this point, and some punishments he was still too cowardly to confront. ]
That's ... just it, Verity. The perspective—that kind of freedom ... It was distinguished with what was in that dungeon. I know I can't make that up for you, and the dance that we've caught ourselves into is nothing less than self-destructive, but I owe you more than that.
[ it defeats the purpose, almost, and that's why the words in conjunction with his confession make him feel ill. ]
It was me. From the future. A King Loki with an evil plot. He wants me to become him, and I fear that I may fall into it.
[ The idea of being able to split himself into such separate, incarnate versions and traverse time and space to harass himself is so strange that it won't be an easy thing to come to terms within a hurry, even with every word ringing true and forcing her to believe it. She would have anyway, even if she wasn't a lie detector, because he looks so small all of a sudden as he elaborates on his confession.
I wish I was stronger, she idly thinks in the back of her mind, her hand in his tightening supportively. I'd make sure you were safe.
But she can't. ]
He's back because he knows he can't control you, it's scare tactics and threats. You might have lived his life once but not anymore, if anyone's anxious then I'm willing to bet it's him. I won't let you fall into bad habits either, not like his. [ I couldn't be by your side if you did those awful things.
Loki is her friend, the first in a long time. If she can give anything back to him for the way he's touched (and bettered) her life, Verity will; it might make her feel a little like a ridiculous, over-zealous guard-dog, but she doesn't care. He sounds like his resolve has wavered in the past already. ]
That makes two of us on the alert for his schemes — I can be pretty useful when it comes to fakes and I'm still looking right at you, not seeing anything of the sort.
he might do it again, he might hurt her. King Loki may twist them both in a scheme, and it might hurt her. it's such an odd feeling, one that's displaced among pieces and playgrounds. it still makes him anxious, wary of both himself and the way that he seems to get caught up in all of his desires. at the same time, the anxiousness is quelled with her deciding to stand beside him, to still be his friend, as horrible as he may be. it was a decision that Lydia made, as well.
there's a small, ironic smile. just a little bitter, but grateful. ]
You don't need to do that. I appreciate the offer, I really do. [ he doesn't get anything like that without working for it, usually, pulling strings and making debt. ] But getting that mixed up always means trouble.
[ King Loki came back for a reason, and it doesn't have anything to do with anxiousness or stress or anything so existential. he wants something, and Loki has it. ]
Even this ... I didn't expect you here, of all places.
[ An understanding look turns into a brief, self-deprecating smile as she chuckles under her breath, and her hand slips from his to rub at her own arm as she steps forward to take a better look outside the window, idling while finding out what she wants to say to that. It's strange and different from home where they have their own set boundaries, no matter the odd circumstances that keep trampling into their lives, and it's good to know there's a much wider safety net of people for him than she previously did, especially with all the issues he's been keeping under wraps.
It does feel a little like being a plain brick in a very colorful wall, though. Not a bad thing, yet the truth, and she can't lie to herself that she has never been as important to her best friend as he has been to her ... but Verity is a big girl, offering him a better smile after a moment's pause. The genuine one he deserves because that's honest, too. ]
I'm here if you need me.
[ There are far more people around than Lorelei that she can call for help if she thinks he's spiraling out of control (far more people willing to be so), although she doubts she'd be the first to notice anymore. Taking a step back is the smart thing to do in this place where she doesn't belong — rather that than getting in the way or God forbid, feeling like an obligation. ]
[ Loki lifts a hand and sets it carefully on her shoulder, squeezing as if he's comforting her instead of the other way around.
he starts and then he thinks better of it, and then he hesitates and tries again. ] It's the same for me. [ that's a step in the right direction. if he wanted to run, he'd have no place to go, if he turned his back, he'd have those that would force his return with vengeance. while it's terrifying to have to deal with certain aspects of himself head-on and without being able to point his finger in any direction except inward, it was also relieving. ]
I want to be someone you can depend on, too. [ he's hesitant and unsure, but he's sincere. ]
[ Patting the hand on her shoulder, she chuckles as she relents on a kind smile to finalize the matter beyond any doubt or uncertainty (at least for the time being, which will just have to be good enough for both of them). ]
[ Loki gives her a partial smile. he's somewhat glad he did this, a little proud he found the courage for it, but still guilty and weary and unbelieving that he's worth whatever it is that she may offer. at least he still has his humor, and he can dust around the edges to lick his wounds. ]
This is around the time you say "I'll buy you a milkshake."
[ but his words are more gentle than not. he's wary and drained, concerned that she may change her mind and leave at any moment, but part of him is satisfied with that.
[ Going from discussing murder (is it really though if he took over from himself because she's still wary about accepting that as solid fact despite what rings true, inclined to think there's more to it) to milkshakes is a hell of a leap, and one whose gross diversion isn't lost on her. That she can stick around as usual is a solid sounding board for the trust she still places in him, or still wants to. Verity doesn't leave the apartment, not tonight, because Loki wouldn't kill a child, she's sure, even if he fully believes he did. It hurts her head and heart to have to consider that, who knows how he manages to live with even the mere possibility of it.
It all feels very unsettled and horrible. As of yet, her place is still here. ]
Chocolate. [ End of discussion, at least for the heavier aspects. For now. An equally gentle tone leads on from his own. ] If you can surf your way to finding a decent movie, I might even order in chocolate ice-cream.
[ there were some things he did that make it easier to cope. he did it with little lies here and there, changes in subject that seemed to flow easily, and others? others were stiffer and more obvious in his new youth, and it came with the space between who he was and what he is now. (it came in all arrogance, really.) ]
Can we?
[ stay. she's going to stay. at least for the duration of the movie, at least until she changed her mind about him. ]
I could go for a PG comedy.
[ something light and friendly, just slightly ironic that a person like him would ever choose to watch it. maybe the horror would fade away, but the burning guilt and self-loathing in the back of his mind would not. ]
Don't tell me that I've never heard of ordering in ice cream. Someone out there is brilliant.
[ Whipping out her phone, she hits for a speed-dial number and puts it to her ear. ]
I'm brilliant, because I'm apparently the only one who reads the back of the pizza menu.
[ A nod is given to the couch as she wanders by, passing his arm with a brief squeeze. Staying, yes. ]
Could you find a blanket for the movie? I don't want to get cold sitting still while — oh, hi! Can I get a large Meat Feast and tub of chocolate ice cream, please?
[ Holding the phone out as she mouths address because hell if she knows it. Yet. ]
[ he says absently, like there was something other than pizza on the pizza menu. there's something heavy in his voice that mistranslates between emotion and expression, but he shifts through it admirably. when she changes from speaking to him and into the phone, he waves his fingers in an ostentatious enough display that she has to look at him again before trailing up to the alcove to fetch a blanket. ]
[ Token laughter trickles out as she half-listens to him, eventually tapping off the call as she sinks onto the couch. Both hands rub over her face and comb back her hair as she internally shakes down, processing everything she's heard in a five-second-long marathon (which might last thirty years beneath the surface, because damn) that ends with a small smile waiting for him. As light as the conversation now is, the air feels thin like half the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. Hard to weigh anchor in.
Elbows on her knees, brown eyes tick over him from behind pink lenses, trying to map the shallows and hollows in him and knowing there are yet more lost subway tracks under what she misses. It's tiring, as is straining to find things to say besides truths that pile up on the tip of her tongue; no surprise to her when one trips out, level and calm because it's been a constant for a long time now. ]
You're important to me. You do know that, don't you?
[ All the movies and ice cream and fantastical escapades, they don't mean much minus that backbone. Not having had many friends in her life doesn't mean she likes losing them and Loki is worth keeping, flaws and all. ]
[ just like many of the things he tries to pawn off in the name of new starts, he's not going to be able to avoid the details. he's not sure he wants to, but he's also unsure if he can really trust himself with the outcome. there's layers of fear hidden beneath easy excuses, and he wonders if he's really come so far? or is he still a casualty of the nature that he had tried to escape? is he using it as an excuse?
if that was the case, how long until he was exposed as a different kind of fraud?
he shakes one of the knit blankets from his bed and tucks it under his arm. it's an olive green, bearing the design of a tree surrounded with a frame. some things about home he couldn't shake, and he could fill up his house with young adult fiction and video games, but certain remnants of Asgardia remained. he tosses it to her, and in a move against his better judgement (or at least what his better judgement is telling him), he flops next to her on the couch.
those words come, and he turns his head to look at her, trying not to look too caught off guard. because he was. ]
Look, Verity—[ hesitation. ]—I know I'm not the best friend. I'm pretty bad at it, actually. But you are my best friend. I don't know what it's worth to be Loki's friend, I actually don't ... remember much of anything like that ... but I want to try, because you're important to me too.
[ Catching the blanket, she spreads it out with a second glance of interest as the design unfolds. When the springs on the couch protest Loki's flopping, she looks over without unfurling her fingers from the tree design. Neither of them are accustomed to having someone around to say these sorts of things to, so she appreciates that he does (it helps to hear it). Her smile broadens in a way he couldn't have made it with jokes or tricks, the fond gratitude in a steady brown gaze settling in against the odds.
She flicks half the blanket over him, sinking back into the couch when he finishes talking. ]
You're a good person, Loki. [ The remote is tossed lightly onto his lap as she shrugs, trying to slough off some of the obvious emotion because wow, embarrassing. ] And you're a passable friend, too.
he was his own worst enemy in these situations, and the worst offender, the one that fostered his own doubts, was himself. Thor believed in him whole heartedly, and Asgardia was slowly beginning to come in turn. he had busied himself doing the dirty work that his mother would not, all under the pretense that if he got caught that, oh well, it's just Loki.
Verity was a lot like Thor in that respect. Kate, too. they all encouraged him in their own ways, and he wasn't sure if it was subtle self-sabotage or a way of keeping himself in line, but somewhere he had surrounded himself in these people. their tenacity and belief wouldn't allow him to follow his normal patterns.
a blessing and a curse.
his smile is small, if not a little bittersweet. ]
I'm not a good person, but I can believe passable friend.
[ he tugs the blanket a little, as if he's threatening to steal it entirely. he doesn't. ]
It's because you don't know if you're good and you still try to be that you are. When you — [ Hesitation steals her train of thought as she glances at him, a little chagrined. ] I know it makes you antsy to hear about stuff you haven't gone through, but it happened for me so bear with.
When you were different back home, when you were the ... sparkly, golden-boy version of you — all you ever spoke about was being good, which you were! Your intentions were of the highest order, you didn't speak a word of a lie and ...
[ Verity narrows her eyes critically. ]
That wasn't you by a long shot. I realized that after you sent us all away. [ Twisting around a little to dig her shoulder into the couch, she summarizes the weight of her outlook for him. It stops his imagination running riot, which is the important thing. ] Lying is bad, Loki, but if you use it to help yourself be better along with others, especially if you're honest at the end of it, I don't think it's an awful idea for you to distance yourself from it. Just be clever. I know you can be, nine times out of ten.
It's not like you take on the world with a hammer so lighten up a little on yourself, okay? That's coming from the talking polygraph.
[ It isn't carte blanche to lie, which he should know, just a understanding. She doesn't and won't hate him for who and what he is, only any poor choices he makes. ]
he didn't like hearing about futures that he couldn't change, especially when they came in the form of a story from someone else's mouth. but she requests in, and he just offers a little bit of a sigh in surrender. Verity he trusts, so he listens. there are rare occasions that Loki shows vulnerability. they had been more frequent lately, and he found that it came simultaneously with having friends. he couldn't have one and not the other.
Loki was comfortable with being Loki, but in the madness that was his own self-inflicted curse (or how much of it was) he occasionally found himself lost between his brain and his own desires. there's a blur between want and need, and Loki occupies that space between. everything is always a game, and he wants to win; the stakes are just higher this time. ]
I murdered an innocent boy, who coincidentally was myself. In my memories ... I've done ... [ there's a huff. ] Terrible things to be Loki. That Loki sacrificed a lot of other people to be Loki, and it's painted like pictures in my head. There were people who got hurt, and people who even died because of it. There was me, used as a weapon.
I'm a good for nothing. A thief and a liar.
[ he leans forward to wring his hands together. ]
Who knows? Maybe I can even use those lies to make things better. If it means people don't get hurt, then it's all the better.
[ He's like an amorphous creature trying to fit in a role he hasn't written, a character with a name and intent but no direction. All the veering around he does around the page can be as worrying as it is thrilling and clearly leaves it mark, has done over the years with murals of death and strife lashed across his long memory. ]
That's a lie. [ It needs firmly stating even as she covers his hands with her, giving as tight a squeeze as she can. ] You're not 'good for nothing'. Whatever happens, even if things are dealt with badly, people won't let you go through it alone. Being friends isn't about people-pleasing or always catching the other person, you have a responsibility to them to be okay.
quick to catch the lie that makes him swallow the irony that sits at the base of his throat. maybe he's become accustomed to it, tried to embrace it, being the "bad son," the troublemaker and the liar. he could use it, those were his abilities, it was made him Loki—right?
there's a long pause where he lets her words digest and he wonders just what it's like to be "okay." to be "okay" for someone else, and he's not sure he can find a comparison.
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"what if I am everything I truly fear?" his child self had once posed the question, one that he couldn't contemplate with the mind of a magpie. moments like these made him appreciated it all the more. ]
Verity ...
[ he might need a little more ushering. he's not sure he's worth the comfort she's offering. ]
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[ Despite the wry words (a byway for Don't be scared), her smile deepens reflexively when he stays put and she lightly jostles his hands in hers. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she persists more gently. ]
I'm right here, it's okay.
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reluctantly he allows her to take his hands. ]
That's not as comforting as you may think.
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Probably never was.
[ She leads him to the window now he'll let her, one hand still in his as another runs through her hair before gesturing at the city spreading out before their feet. ]
This is a beautiful view, it really is. I could stand here for hours just watching it change. But even with all the imperfections I can see, I know there are crimes locked away where I can't. I'm not looking at just the part built up for show, I can see the whole truth of what's in front of me. [ A nod to their feet and the dizzying descent mere inches away. ] Not to mention that's a hell of a fall, I'd be completely useless if I took it. I'd lose my perspective.
[ It's hardly the subtlest metaphor. Then again, it's an offering for him to sink his teeth into, a solid foothold for his doubts. Verity offers a open smile. I know the scope of evil in your past, I can be comprehensive in my guesses without factoring in every little detail. I know how terribly you could rip this all apart. Caring about him is exasperating and painful, but he has to learn it's not something friends switch on and off as it suits. ]
I heard every word you just said. Every single one. [ Murderer. Staring at him intently, her brows cinch together. ] If I look like I'm falling all over myself to make you feel better, I'm not, you just have to let — to let someone help, at some point. Not even me if you think I don't get it, just anybody. Please? Maybe in a thousand years from now when the rest of us are dead and gone, but make sure you do do it, or you'll twist yourself into something you won't like.
[ It's strange. Knowing his world was so much bigger and now having been thrust into it through a metaphorical hedge backwards, all thanks to the Porter. The way he dismissed her back home still hurts even though it wasn't really him, even though he was spelled to be cold and cruel, and it hurts now too to know she's a blip on his radar, but that's made alright by knowing there are people who can help him through this. From her, he'll get no forgiveness or excuses, only patience and loyalty. He needs time to come to terms with who and what he is, his actions, and Verity is determined to muscle her way through his front door as many times as she needs to in order to be his anchor while he goes through that. ]
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people were pawns to him in a dance to his own victory, and sometimes he felt as if he still got caught in the siren call of victory. he uses people to get there, and while "there" occasionally means all of his good intentions, it's still for the same means, no matter what the end.
he hesitates, looks out the window before averting his eyes. it's not about what he wanted, but more about what he deserved at this point, and some punishments he was still too cowardly to confront. ]
That's ... just it, Verity. The perspective—that kind of freedom ... It was distinguished with what was in that dungeon. I know I can't make that up for you, and the dance that we've caught ourselves into is nothing less than self-destructive, but I owe you more than that.
[ it defeats the purpose, almost, and that's why the words in conjunction with his confession make him feel ill. ]
It was me. From the future. A King Loki with an evil plot. He wants me to become him, and I fear that I may fall into it.
[ and with that desperation, he recovers. ]
Though by no means will I give up.
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I wish I was stronger, she idly thinks in the back of her mind, her hand in his tightening supportively. I'd make sure you were safe.
But she can't. ]
He's back because he knows he can't control you, it's scare tactics and threats. You might have lived his life once but not anymore, if anyone's anxious then I'm willing to bet it's him. I won't let you fall into bad habits either, not like his. [ I couldn't be by your side if you did those awful things.
Loki is her friend, the first in a long time. If she can give anything back to him for the way he's touched (and bettered) her life, Verity will; it might make her feel a little like a ridiculous, over-zealous guard-dog, but she doesn't care. He sounds like his resolve has wavered in the past already. ]
That makes two of us on the alert for his schemes — I can be pretty useful when it comes to fakes and I'm still looking right at you, not seeing anything of the sort.
[ A small smile. ]
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he might do it again, he might hurt her. King Loki may twist them both in a scheme, and it might hurt her. it's such an odd feeling, one that's displaced among pieces and playgrounds. it still makes him anxious, wary of both himself and the way that he seems to get caught up in all of his desires. at the same time, the anxiousness is quelled with her deciding to stand beside him, to still be his friend, as horrible as he may be. it was a decision that Lydia made, as well.
there's a small, ironic smile. just a little bitter, but grateful. ]
You don't need to do that. I appreciate the offer, I really do. [ he doesn't get anything like that without working for it, usually, pulling strings and making debt. ] But getting that mixed up always means trouble.
[ King Loki came back for a reason, and it doesn't have anything to do with anxiousness or stress or anything so existential. he wants something, and Loki has it. ]
Even this ... I didn't expect you here, of all places.
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It does feel a little like being a plain brick in a very colorful wall, though. Not a bad thing, yet the truth, and she can't lie to herself that she has never been as important to her best friend as he has been to her ... but Verity is a big girl, offering him a better smile after a moment's pause. The genuine one he deserves because that's honest, too. ]
I'm here if you need me.
[ There are far more people around than Lorelei that she can call for help if she thinks he's spiraling out of control (far more people willing to be so), although she doubts she'd be the first to notice anymore. Taking a step back is the smart thing to do in this place where she doesn't belong — rather that than getting in the way or God forbid, feeling like an obligation. ]
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he starts and then he thinks better of it, and then he hesitates and tries again. ] It's the same for me. [ that's a step in the right direction. if he wanted to run, he'd have no place to go, if he turned his back, he'd have those that would force his return with vengeance. while it's terrifying to have to deal with certain aspects of himself head-on and without being able to point his finger in any direction except inward, it was also relieving. ]
I want to be someone you can depend on, too. [ he's hesitant and unsure, but he's sincere. ]
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You've got a good start on that.
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This is around the time you say "I'll buy you a milkshake."
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I'll buy a box of powdered milkshakes, that way they'll last longer and you can make them up yourself at whatever unseemly hour you're still awake.
[ Might as well be practical if she's going to spoil him, let's not go nuts. ]
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[ but his words are more gentle than not. he's wary and drained, concerned that she may change her mind and leave at any moment, but part of him is satisfied with that.
maybe she will leave.
maybe he deserves it.
but for now they're talking about milkshakes. ]
Chocolate. Definitely chocolate.
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It all feels very unsettled and horrible. As of yet, her place is still here. ]
Chocolate. [ End of discussion, at least for the heavier aspects. For now. An equally gentle tone leads on from his own. ] If you can surf your way to finding a decent movie, I might even order in chocolate ice-cream.
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Can we?
[ stay. she's going to stay. at least for the duration of the movie, at least until she changed her mind about him. ]
I could go for a PG comedy.
[ something light and friendly, just slightly ironic that a person like him would ever choose to watch it. maybe the horror would fade away, but the burning guilt and self-loathing in the back of his mind would not. ]
Don't tell me that I've never heard of ordering in ice cream. Someone out there is brilliant.
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I'm brilliant, because I'm apparently the only one who reads the back of the pizza menu.
[ A nod is given to the couch as she wanders by, passing his arm with a brief squeeze. Staying, yes. ]
Could you find a blanket for the movie? I don't want to get cold sitting still while — oh, hi! Can I get a large Meat Feast and tub of chocolate ice cream, please?
[ Holding the phone out as she mouths address because hell if she knows it. Yet. ]
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[ he says absently, like there was something other than pizza on the pizza menu. there's something heavy in his voice that mistranslates between emotion and expression, but he shifts through it admirably. when she changes from speaking to him and into the phone, he waves his fingers in an ostentatious enough display that she has to look at him again before trailing up to the alcove to fetch a blanket. ]
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Elbows on her knees, brown eyes tick over him from behind pink lenses, trying to map the shallows and hollows in him and knowing there are yet more lost subway tracks under what she misses. It's tiring, as is straining to find things to say besides truths that pile up on the tip of her tongue; no surprise to her when one trips out, level and calm because it's been a constant for a long time now. ]
You're important to me. You do know that, don't you?
[ All the movies and ice cream and fantastical escapades, they don't mean much minus that backbone. Not having had many friends in her life doesn't mean she likes losing them and Loki is worth keeping, flaws and all. ]
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if that was the case, how long until he was exposed as a different kind of fraud?
he shakes one of the knit blankets from his bed and tucks it under his arm. it's an olive green, bearing the design of a tree surrounded with a frame. some things about home he couldn't shake, and he could fill up his house with young adult fiction and video games, but certain remnants of Asgardia remained. he tosses it to her, and in a move against his better judgement (or at least what his better judgement is telling him), he flops next to her on the couch.
those words come, and he turns his head to look at her, trying not to look too caught off guard. because he was. ]
Look, Verity—[ hesitation. ]—I know I'm not the best friend. I'm pretty bad at it, actually. But you are my best friend. I don't know what it's worth to be Loki's friend, I actually don't ... remember much of anything like that ... but I want to try, because you're important to me too.
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She flicks half the blanket over him, sinking back into the couch when he finishes talking. ]
You're a good person, Loki. [ The remote is tossed lightly onto his lap as she shrugs, trying to slough off some of the obvious emotion because wow, embarrassing. ] And you're a passable friend, too.
[ Nudging him. ]
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he was his own worst enemy in these situations, and the worst offender, the one that fostered his own doubts, was himself. Thor believed in him whole heartedly, and Asgardia was slowly beginning to come in turn. he had busied himself doing the dirty work that his mother would not, all under the pretense that if he got caught that, oh well, it's just Loki.
Verity was a lot like Thor in that respect. Kate, too. they all encouraged him in their own ways, and he wasn't sure if it was subtle self-sabotage or a way of keeping himself in line, but somewhere he had surrounded himself in these people. their tenacity and belief wouldn't allow him to follow his normal patterns.
a blessing and a curse.
his smile is small, if not a little bittersweet. ]
I'm not a good person, but I can believe passable friend.
[ he tugs the blanket a little, as if he's threatening to steal it entirely. he doesn't. ]
Thanks.
[ for believing in me more than I do. ]
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It's because you don't know if you're good and you still try to be that you are. When you — [ Hesitation steals her train of thought as she glances at him, a little chagrined. ] I know it makes you antsy to hear about stuff you haven't gone through, but it happened for me so bear with.
When you were different back home, when you were the ... sparkly, golden-boy version of you — all you ever spoke about was being good, which you were! Your intentions were of the highest order, you didn't speak a word of a lie and ...
[ Verity narrows her eyes critically. ]
That wasn't you by a long shot. I realized that after you sent us all away. [ Twisting around a little to dig her shoulder into the couch, she summarizes the weight of her outlook for him. It stops his imagination running riot, which is the important thing. ] Lying is bad, Loki, but if you use it to help yourself be better along with others, especially if you're honest at the end of it, I don't think it's an awful idea for you to distance yourself from it. Just be clever. I know you can be, nine times out of ten.
It's not like you take on the world with a hammer so lighten up a little on yourself, okay? That's coming from the talking polygraph.
[ It isn't carte blanche to lie, which he should know, just a understanding. She doesn't and won't hate him for who and what he is, only any poor choices he makes. ]
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he didn't like hearing about futures that he couldn't change, especially when they came in the form of a story from someone else's mouth. but she requests in, and he just offers a little bit of a sigh in surrender. Verity he trusts, so he listens. there are rare occasions that Loki shows vulnerability. they had been more frequent lately, and he found that it came simultaneously with having friends. he couldn't have one and not the other.
Loki was comfortable with being Loki, but in the madness that was his own self-inflicted curse (or how much of it was) he occasionally found himself lost between his brain and his own desires. there's a blur between want and need, and Loki occupies that space between. everything is always a game, and he wants to win; the stakes are just higher this time. ]
I murdered an innocent boy, who coincidentally was myself. In my memories ... I've done ... [ there's a huff. ] Terrible things to be Loki. That Loki sacrificed a lot of other people to be Loki, and it's painted like pictures in my head. There were people who got hurt, and people who even died because of it. There was me, used as a weapon.
I'm a good for nothing. A thief and a liar.
[ he leans forward to wring his hands together. ]
Who knows? Maybe I can even use those lies to make things better. If it means people don't get hurt, then it's all the better.
[ I'll take the arrow to the face every time. ]
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That's a lie. [ It needs firmly stating even as she covers his hands with her, giving as tight a squeeze as she can. ] You're not 'good for nothing'. Whatever happens, even if things are dealt with badly, people won't let you go through it alone. Being friends isn't about people-pleasing or always catching the other person, you have a responsibility to them to be okay.
... I need you to be okay.
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quick to catch the lie that makes him swallow the irony that sits at the base of his throat. maybe he's become accustomed to it, tried to embrace it, being the "bad son," the troublemaker and the liar. he could use it, those were his abilities, it was made him Loki—right?
there's a long pause where he lets her words digest and he wonders just what it's like to be "okay." to be "okay" for someone else, and he's not sure he can find a comparison.
from his voice, his mouth sounds dry. ]
What if I'm not okay?
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