[ a little sigh. spoken so quietly as to be meant more for himself than loki, ] You and me both.
[ anakin's first impressions don't tend to go as swimmingly. troubles over the longterm, however — his own slew of doubts, which he fights to tamp underfoot… ]
You're the only one who knows. About my marriage. [ he clears his throat. ] Our situation is…complicated. I don't want to overwhelm her.
[ with the knowledge of their son. with news of what luke, and finn and rey and kylo ren too, had of what becomes, had become of the republic. he does not know how to tell padmé neither is present in their child's life. not when she is so clearly still grappling with the changes wrought in him.
anakin knew he had changed. the war changed all of them. he had never realized he changed to quite this degree — so much so he finds padmé studying him sometimes as if hoping to find something familiar in a stranger.
when he begins to try to put his feelings into words, however, he finds a familiar stumbling block. he isn't padmé who spins words like silk threads into a rich tapestry. he fumbles and trips and more often than not fails. and he can't speak to her. were obi-wan present… even with the knowledge of the role obi-wan plays in luke's life, anakin could not speak of it to obi-wan. he would first need to admit to his old friend how long anakin has lied to him: how he defied the order; how he broke the commitments he made as a padawan, then again as a knight; how he would have to ask obi-wan to defy the order too in keeping such a thing silent. ( terribly, incorrectly, a small ugly doubt still maintains obi-wan's loyalty would lie with the order, and against him. )
yet he still makes the attempt. he still tries to reach out to someone who may, in his confusion, at least lend him a patient ear and a kinder word. loki is frustrating on a good day; he also has had good advice in the past. more importantly, he has never made anakin feel like he is in the wrong simply by existing. without presence of censure, anakin stumbles his way through an explanation. ]
The last thing she remembers is…our wedding. Four years ago. Everything else is news to her. Then, there's ALASTAIR.
[ he trails off with a quiet exhale. unseen as he refused to turn on the camera, his hands grip the opposite wrists inside the sleeves of his sweatshirt. ]
no subject
[ anakin's first impressions don't tend to go as swimmingly. troubles over the longterm, however — his own slew of doubts, which he fights to tamp underfoot… ]
You're the only one who knows. About my marriage. [ he clears his throat. ] Our situation is…complicated. I don't want to overwhelm her.
[ with the knowledge of their son. with news of what luke, and finn and rey and kylo ren too, had of what becomes, had become of the republic. he does not know how to tell padmé neither is present in their child's life. not when she is so clearly still grappling with the changes wrought in him.
anakin knew he had changed. the war changed all of them. he had never realized he changed to quite this degree — so much so he finds padmé studying him sometimes as if hoping to find something familiar in a stranger.
when he begins to try to put his feelings into words, however, he finds a familiar stumbling block. he isn't padmé who spins words like silk threads into a rich tapestry. he fumbles and trips and more often than not fails. and he can't speak to her. were obi-wan present… even with the knowledge of the role obi-wan plays in luke's life, anakin could not speak of it to obi-wan. he would first need to admit to his old friend how long anakin has lied to him: how he defied the order; how he broke the commitments he made as a padawan, then again as a knight; how he would have to ask obi-wan to defy the order too in keeping such a thing silent. ( terribly, incorrectly, a small ugly doubt still maintains obi-wan's loyalty would lie with the order, and against him. )
yet he still makes the attempt. he still tries to reach out to someone who may, in his confusion, at least lend him a patient ear and a kinder word. loki is frustrating on a good day; he also has had good advice in the past. more importantly, he has never made anakin feel like he is in the wrong simply by existing. without presence of censure, anakin stumbles his way through an explanation. ]
The last thing she remembers is…our wedding. Four years ago. Everything else is news to her. Then, there's ALASTAIR.
[ he trails off with a quiet exhale. unseen as he refused to turn on the camera, his hands grip the opposite wrists inside the sleeves of his sweatshirt. ]