[ a little sigh. spoken so quietly as to be meant more for himself than loki, ] You and me both.
[ anakin's first impressions don't tend to go as swimmingly. troubles over the longterm, however — his own slew of doubts, which he fights to tamp underfoot… ]
You're the only one who knows. About my marriage. [ he clears his throat. ] Our situation is…complicated. I don't want to overwhelm her.
[ with the knowledge of their son. with news of what luke, and finn and rey and kylo ren too, had of what becomes, had become of the republic. he does not know how to tell padmé neither is present in their child's life. not when she is so clearly still grappling with the changes wrought in him.
anakin knew he had changed. the war changed all of them. he had never realized he changed to quite this degree — so much so he finds padmé studying him sometimes as if hoping to find something familiar in a stranger.
when he begins to try to put his feelings into words, however, he finds a familiar stumbling block. he isn't padmé who spins words like silk threads into a rich tapestry. he fumbles and trips and more often than not fails. and he can't speak to her. were obi-wan present… even with the knowledge of the role obi-wan plays in luke's life, anakin could not speak of it to obi-wan. he would first need to admit to his old friend how long anakin has lied to him: how he defied the order; how he broke the commitments he made as a padawan, then again as a knight; how he would have to ask obi-wan to defy the order too in keeping such a thing silent. ( terribly, incorrectly, a small ugly doubt still maintains obi-wan's loyalty would lie with the order, and against him. )
yet he still makes the attempt. he still tries to reach out to someone who may, in his confusion, at least lend him a patient ear and a kinder word. loki is frustrating on a good day; he also has had good advice in the past. more importantly, he has never made anakin feel like he is in the wrong simply by existing. without presence of censure, anakin stumbles his way through an explanation. ]
The last thing she remembers is…our wedding. Four years ago. Everything else is news to her. Then, there's ALASTAIR.
[ he trails off with a quiet exhale. unseen as he refused to turn on the camera, his hands grip the opposite wrists inside the sleeves of his sweatshirt. ]
[ it always strikes him as odd when people willingly tell him secrets without the proper precautions. information like that was used for his own selfish pursuits, and it defied its purpose if it was freely given. on the other side of the jewelcomm, Loki's face scrunches up at the admission, before deflating in a sigh. ]
Well ... the possibility is always there that she'll find out eventually. [ says the person who never ever told anyone else that Thor had been there. ] The timeline is a precarious place for keeping secrets, due to the nature of the beast.
...
But being married to you makes it difficult to imagine what may be in the spectrum of overwhelming.
[ it is, isn't it. luke might yet be transferred back ( a hope anakin still nurses. ) or rey or finn. all of them who know of what happened to the jedi and to the republic. ( kylo ren would be decapitated on the spot. ) luke would be the cruelest of them without warning. padmé would love him, and be so proud of him; what a blow, then, to know their child never knew her or him.
anakin knows it'd be better to tell her. he also knows this isn't a good time. ( there will never be a perfect time were he perfectly honest. ) and there are his own doubts to contend with, the unhappiness she hides that he can still sense in the force, and a dozen other things until his thoughts spiral again. the hero with no fear. if only they'd known the truth.
loki has a point. not that will stop anakin from warning without an ounce of genuine intention behind it, ] I take it back. You're not meeting her.
[ it's Anakin's choice, one way or the other. it's always better to tell someone, but it never really works out that way. in Loki's experience, he's too busy avoiding the issues to really dive into them. it had gotten him no where but exiled, beaten and cast away. to say that it didn't end well was an understatement. ]
Perhaps she's just whelmed?
[ he's pushing his luck, and there's a little smile in his voice. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ anakin's first impressions don't tend to go as swimmingly. troubles over the longterm, however — his own slew of doubts, which he fights to tamp underfoot… ]
You're the only one who knows. About my marriage. [ he clears his throat. ] Our situation is…complicated. I don't want to overwhelm her.
[ with the knowledge of their son. with news of what luke, and finn and rey and kylo ren too, had of what becomes, had become of the republic. he does not know how to tell padmé neither is present in their child's life. not when she is so clearly still grappling with the changes wrought in him.
anakin knew he had changed. the war changed all of them. he had never realized he changed to quite this degree — so much so he finds padmé studying him sometimes as if hoping to find something familiar in a stranger.
when he begins to try to put his feelings into words, however, he finds a familiar stumbling block. he isn't padmé who spins words like silk threads into a rich tapestry. he fumbles and trips and more often than not fails. and he can't speak to her. were obi-wan present… even with the knowledge of the role obi-wan plays in luke's life, anakin could not speak of it to obi-wan. he would first need to admit to his old friend how long anakin has lied to him: how he defied the order; how he broke the commitments he made as a padawan, then again as a knight; how he would have to ask obi-wan to defy the order too in keeping such a thing silent. ( terribly, incorrectly, a small ugly doubt still maintains obi-wan's loyalty would lie with the order, and against him. )
yet he still makes the attempt. he still tries to reach out to someone who may, in his confusion, at least lend him a patient ear and a kinder word. loki is frustrating on a good day; he also has had good advice in the past. more importantly, he has never made anakin feel like he is in the wrong simply by existing. without presence of censure, anakin stumbles his way through an explanation. ]
The last thing she remembers is…our wedding. Four years ago. Everything else is news to her. Then, there's ALASTAIR.
[ he trails off with a quiet exhale. unseen as he refused to turn on the camera, his hands grip the opposite wrists inside the sleeves of his sweatshirt. ]
no subject
Well ... the possibility is always there that she'll find out eventually. [ says the person who never ever told anyone else that Thor had been there. ] The timeline is a precarious place for keeping secrets, due to the nature of the beast.
...
But being married to you makes it difficult to imagine what may be in the spectrum of overwhelming.
no subject
anakin knows it'd be better to tell her. he also knows this isn't a good time. ( there will never be a perfect time were he perfectly honest. ) and there are his own doubts to contend with, the unhappiness she hides that he can still sense in the force, and a dozen other things until his thoughts spiral again. the hero with no fear. if only they'd known the truth.
loki has a point. not that will stop anakin from warning without an ounce of genuine intention behind it, ] I take it back. You're not meeting her.
[ dinner is on saturday, bring wine. ]
no subject
Perhaps she's just whelmed?
[ he's pushing his luck, and there's a little smile in his voice. ]
no subject
I don't know. You'll have to ask her.
[ guess who's looking forward to watching his very articulate wife shut loki up. ]
no subject
[ TAKE THAT.
but yeah he'll probably shut up later. ]
puts a neat finishing bow here
Okay, take it easy. Let me know when to expect you.