It's not so obvious anymore, is it? One you give up the magical laugh and nefarious intentions it's easier to make it work. I remade my image, and there was a lot I sacrificed to do it. Myself. Other people. It got burned all away and left in ashes. Looking back, it was probably too much to be worth it. Even if I tell myself it was because I couldn't bear for others to be hurt because of me. Because of who I was.
There's no universal scale of good and evil, nor a means erasing what you've done. Believe me, I've tried. No one weighs your good deeds against your bad ones. Only you do that.
[ he knew Spider-Man. or, rather, a Spider-Man. he took him for chili dogs and helped him find his daughter despite all good reason for him to turn tail. they worked together to save someone.
after all that, do you really think it wasn't worth it?
( because that's the pinnacle he's standing at now. can he rebuild, can he take that next step forward, when as far as he's concerned he's crossed a line he can't come back from. he's always tried to be a hero, be worthy of the awe and hope and wonder that New York places in the idea of him.
more and more he's realizing how little he deserves it because of how far from heroic he actually is. a hero wouldn't ignore the possibility of their own infection, wouldn't break and abandon someone he loves, wouldn't hide on his own over trusting someone, anyone, to help him; a choice that resulted in even more people in danger. with great power came great responsibility and at every turn he had neglected his. )
i've done this before, you know? i've hit that place i don't think i should return from and every time i tell myself it's going to be better i'm going to be better only here i am again and a whole city suffered because of me and i don't know if it's worth it either
( was it worth it, to take such care to save him? if anyone asked him, then no. no, it wasn't worth it. )
Maybe, maybe not. But you won't know, will you? Not unless you keep moving.
It's the same for me. I have friends, and people whom I love.
If anything, you won't be who you were before. You'll have people with you, those whose paths are in tandem with yours.
[ this is a conversation he should have somewhere along the line, but instead he kept it selfishly to himself. Loki was never a hero, but he wanted to be something else from what he used to be. after stumbling and being hounded by his own guilt, he had to be something else.
change or die, is what he told the wide-eyed child that was himself, before he ruined him.
change or die. ]
Edited (edits into eternity) 2017-04-09 21:26 (UTC)
( he won't have people with him if he keeps shoving the ones that matter away with both hands, in some willful attempt to protect them. still, whether he likes it or not, he knows it's true.
he can't go back. he can't be the person he was before. he'll be someone else, someone changed, whether he likes it or not, and he'll have to decide if that change is for the better.
change, or die. turns out the choice was made for him — all of Audentes had gone out of their way to keep him alive, and if he were going to choose death over hurting people, it's already too late for that, too late from when he put himself under instead of something more permanent. his choice is down to change and change alone, and he'll have to find a way to accept that. no matter how difficult it is proving to be. )
i guess i'm going to have to figure it out, then if i've figured out anything, it's how to keep moving.
( grieving, healing, forgiving, those he's got to work on. but somehow functioning after each and every devastation... well, he somehow keeps managing that. )
when he did something wrong, when he hurt people after he was reincarnated in his form, he ran. it was easier to take the opportunity to start again then it was to allow those he had hurt to forgive him. sometimes they still come to mind, and something inside him aches when he misses them.
for a short while, he was a Young Avenger. ]
The future is something that's uncertain. That's a good thing. No one wants fate dictating who they get to be. At least, I don't.
Don't be too hard on yourself!! There's always mistakes out there to make. :)
( that's a whole new can of worms, the fact that Spider-Man might be scripted, a character built to lose people he loved... at least Peter is fairly certain there's not a new issue about the time Spider-Man turned into a zombie and chowing down through a foreign city.
he's off the beaten path, but he's not doing anything worth remembering, either. )
yeah, i guess there are. i'm remarkably gifted at finding them, too.
thanks for the offer. it's too late for me to take it, but i'm glad gwen had someone looking out for her.
( there's a part of him that considers that. is pretty damn tempted by it, too. it's complicated when being honest about what he can do doesn't seem universally right. he still knows it's a horrible plan for New York, so what happens in the next world it needs to stay hidden?
in the end, he doesn't answer. it's a concern for a different time. it is too late for Audentes and Woodhurst both.
if he feels the need in their next mission, he'll let Loki know. )
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no subject
I remade my image, and there was a lot I sacrificed to do it. Myself. Other people. It got burned all away and left in ashes. Looking back, it was probably too much to be worth it.
Even if I tell myself it was because I couldn't bear for others to be hurt because of me. Because of who I was.
There's no universal scale of good and evil, nor a means erasing what you've done. Believe me, I've tried. No one weighs your good deeds against your bad ones. Only you do that.
[ he knew Spider-Man. or, rather, a Spider-Man. he took him for chili dogs and helped him find his daughter despite all good reason for him to turn tail. they worked together to save someone.
that world or this one, he owes him. ]
no subject
( because that's the pinnacle he's standing at now. can he rebuild, can he take that next step forward, when as far as he's concerned he's crossed a line he can't come back from. he's always tried to be a hero, be worthy of the awe and hope and wonder that New York places in the idea of him.
more and more he's realizing how little he deserves it because of how far from heroic he actually is. a hero wouldn't ignore the possibility of their own infection, wouldn't break and abandon someone he loves, wouldn't hide on his own over trusting someone, anyone, to help him; a choice that resulted in even more people in danger. with great power came great responsibility and at every turn he had neglected his. )
i've done this before, you know?
i've hit that place i don't think i should return from and every time i tell myself it's going to be better
i'm going to be better
only here i am again and a whole city suffered because of me and i don't know if it's worth it either
( was it worth it, to take such care to save him? if anyone asked him, then no. no, it wasn't worth it. )
no subject
But you won't know, will you? Not unless you keep moving.
It's the same for me.
I have friends, and people whom I love.
If anything, you won't be who you were before.
You'll have people with you, those whose paths are in tandem with yours.
[ this is a conversation he should have somewhere along the line, but instead he kept it selfishly to himself. Loki was never a hero, but he wanted to be something else from what he used to be. after stumbling and being hounded by his own guilt, he had to be something else.
change or die, is what he told the wide-eyed child that was himself, before he ruined him.
change or die. ]
no subject
he can't go back. he can't be the person he was before. he'll be someone else, someone changed, whether he likes it or not, and he'll have to decide if that change is for the better.
change, or die. turns out the choice was made for him — all of Audentes had gone out of their way to keep him alive, and if he were going to choose death over hurting people, it's already too late for that, too late from when he put himself under instead of something more permanent. his choice is down to change and change alone, and he'll have to find a way to accept that. no matter how difficult it is proving to be. )
i guess i'm going to have to figure it out, then
if i've figured out anything, it's how to keep moving.
( grieving, healing, forgiving, those he's got to work on. but somehow functioning after each and every devastation... well, he somehow keeps managing that. )
no subject
when he did something wrong, when he hurt people after he was reincarnated in his form, he ran. it was easier to take the opportunity to start again then it was to allow those he had hurt to forgive him. sometimes they still come to mind, and something inside him aches when he misses them.
for a short while, he was a Young Avenger. ]
The future is something that's uncertain. That's a good thing.
No one wants fate dictating who they get to be.
At least, I don't.
Don't be too hard on yourself!! There's always mistakes out there to make. :)
no subject
he's off the beaten path, but he's not doing anything worth remembering, either. )
yeah, i guess there are. i'm remarkably gifted at finding them, too.
thanks for the offer. it's too late for me to take it, but i'm glad gwen had someone looking out for her.
no subject
Audentes may know your secret, but not everyone else in the multiverse has to.
TTFN.
no subject
in the end, he doesn't answer. it's a concern for a different time. it is too late for Audentes and Woodhurst both.
if he feels the need in their next mission, he'll let Loki know. )