Speaking as a former supervillain who did some ab-so-lute-ly awful things: There's always coming back. Not going back, perhaps, but coming back.
People forgive, far too easily in fact. The guilt will consume you within its gaping maw far more quickly than the pain of those you hurt.
[ his own wound is still fresh, torn open by Thor. the guilt still haunts him, and so does the child that he kills. when the words come up he thinks briefly of the Young Avengers, and how readily they were willing to let his discretions go. ]
well, i'm still here, i guess. that counts as coming back, doesn't it?
( a part of him still can't rationalize it, why the entire team put themselves in danger to make sure he survived his frenzy. maybe it would have been better if he hadn't.
but he is still here. he's back to himself. that's a comeback, of sorts. though not enough of one to make him feel much better about it. )
yeah. maybe it will. maybe it should.
( he's pretty sure he deserves to feel guilty. he'd almost prefer more people were angry; he more than deserves it, it'd make more sense than the forgiveness. )
I'm the god of new starts. It doesn't get much more new start-y then starting after you've fallen to the bottom.
[ how many times has he died and remade himself? he had caused his own suffering in most of it, and he can't help but wonder if he still is causing his own suffering. ]
If this is the worst that you have done, then you've a long way to go.
[ what had he done to fix things? erase them, try to find a way to rebuild them, and that hadn't worked the way that he had planned. ten years was all it took to erase the crimes of a former Loki through the eyes of Asgardia. King Loki had not found it satisfying, and he knew, come those circumstances, that he wouldn't, either. ]
You're a good kid, people will forgive you. With good reason. Your intent was neither malicious nor selfish.
It's your own expectations and self-doubt you have to reconcile.
that's the part i don't get everyone seems to think it's okay. it wasn't.
( so Loki isn't wrong, not really. in the end it's his own head that he's battling. his own negligence, his own feverish need for secrecy and security resulting in so much suffering. that's what he can't get over, more than the virus itself.
though, trying to cannibalize people does stick with a guy. )
super-villain, huh? i don't remember you mentioning that part. for the record, i wouldn't have guessed.
It's not so obvious anymore, is it? One you give up the magical laugh and nefarious intentions it's easier to make it work. I remade my image, and there was a lot I sacrificed to do it. Myself. Other people. It got burned all away and left in ashes. Looking back, it was probably too much to be worth it. Even if I tell myself it was because I couldn't bear for others to be hurt because of me. Because of who I was.
There's no universal scale of good and evil, nor a means erasing what you've done. Believe me, I've tried. No one weighs your good deeds against your bad ones. Only you do that.
[ he knew Spider-Man. or, rather, a Spider-Man. he took him for chili dogs and helped him find his daughter despite all good reason for him to turn tail. they worked together to save someone.
after all that, do you really think it wasn't worth it?
( because that's the pinnacle he's standing at now. can he rebuild, can he take that next step forward, when as far as he's concerned he's crossed a line he can't come back from. he's always tried to be a hero, be worthy of the awe and hope and wonder that New York places in the idea of him.
more and more he's realizing how little he deserves it because of how far from heroic he actually is. a hero wouldn't ignore the possibility of their own infection, wouldn't break and abandon someone he loves, wouldn't hide on his own over trusting someone, anyone, to help him; a choice that resulted in even more people in danger. with great power came great responsibility and at every turn he had neglected his. )
i've done this before, you know? i've hit that place i don't think i should return from and every time i tell myself it's going to be better i'm going to be better only here i am again and a whole city suffered because of me and i don't know if it's worth it either
( was it worth it, to take such care to save him? if anyone asked him, then no. no, it wasn't worth it. )
Maybe, maybe not. But you won't know, will you? Not unless you keep moving.
It's the same for me. I have friends, and people whom I love.
If anything, you won't be who you were before. You'll have people with you, those whose paths are in tandem with yours.
[ this is a conversation he should have somewhere along the line, but instead he kept it selfishly to himself. Loki was never a hero, but he wanted to be something else from what he used to be. after stumbling and being hounded by his own guilt, he had to be something else.
change or die, is what he told the wide-eyed child that was himself, before he ruined him.
change or die. ]
Edited (edits into eternity) 2017-04-09 21:26 (UTC)
( he won't have people with him if he keeps shoving the ones that matter away with both hands, in some willful attempt to protect them. still, whether he likes it or not, he knows it's true.
he can't go back. he can't be the person he was before. he'll be someone else, someone changed, whether he likes it or not, and he'll have to decide if that change is for the better.
change, or die. turns out the choice was made for him — all of Audentes had gone out of their way to keep him alive, and if he were going to choose death over hurting people, it's already too late for that, too late from when he put himself under instead of something more permanent. his choice is down to change and change alone, and he'll have to find a way to accept that. no matter how difficult it is proving to be. )
i guess i'm going to have to figure it out, then if i've figured out anything, it's how to keep moving.
( grieving, healing, forgiving, those he's got to work on. but somehow functioning after each and every devastation... well, he somehow keeps managing that. )
when he did something wrong, when he hurt people after he was reincarnated in his form, he ran. it was easier to take the opportunity to start again then it was to allow those he had hurt to forgive him. sometimes they still come to mind, and something inside him aches when he misses them.
for a short while, he was a Young Avenger. ]
The future is something that's uncertain. That's a good thing. No one wants fate dictating who they get to be. At least, I don't.
Don't be too hard on yourself!! There's always mistakes out there to make. :)
( that's a whole new can of worms, the fact that Spider-Man might be scripted, a character built to lose people he loved... at least Peter is fairly certain there's not a new issue about the time Spider-Man turned into a zombie and chowing down through a foreign city.
he's off the beaten path, but he's not doing anything worth remembering, either. )
yeah, i guess there are. i'm remarkably gifted at finding them, too.
thanks for the offer. it's too late for me to take it, but i'm glad gwen had someone looking out for her.
( there's a part of him that considers that. is pretty damn tempted by it, too. it's complicated when being honest about what he can do doesn't seem universally right. he still knows it's a horrible plan for New York, so what happens in the next world it needs to stay hidden?
in the end, he doesn't answer. it's a concern for a different time. it is too late for Audentes and Woodhurst both.
if he feels the need in their next mission, he'll let Loki know. )
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no subject
There's always coming back.
Not going back, perhaps, but coming back.
People forgive, far too easily in fact.
The guilt will consume you within its gaping maw far more quickly than the pain of those you hurt.
[ his own wound is still fresh, torn open by Thor. the guilt still haunts him, and so does the child that he kills. when the words come up he thinks briefly of the Young Avengers, and how readily they were willing to let his discretions go. ]
no subject
( a part of him still can't rationalize it, why the entire team put themselves in danger to make sure he survived his frenzy. maybe it would have been better if he hadn't.
but he is still here. he's back to himself. that's a comeback, of sorts. though not enough of one to make him feel much better about it. )
yeah. maybe it will. maybe it should.
( he's pretty sure he deserves to feel guilty. he'd almost prefer more people were angry; he more than deserves it, it'd make more sense than the forgiveness. )
no subject
It doesn't get much more new start-y then starting after you've fallen to the bottom.
[ how many times has he died and remade himself? he had caused his own suffering in most of it, and he can't help but wonder if he still is causing his own suffering. ]
If this is the worst that you have done, then you've a long way to go.
no subject
( it's the closest to honest he's been with anyone, Loki. bravo... though maybe it's not anything to be really enthusiastic about. )
it's not, but that doesn't make it okay, either.
no subject
You're a good kid, people will forgive you.
With good reason. Your intent was neither malicious nor selfish.
It's your own expectations and self-doubt you have to reconcile.
no subject
everyone seems to think it's okay. it wasn't.
( so Loki isn't wrong, not really. in the end it's his own head that he's battling. his own negligence, his own feverish need for secrecy and security resulting in so much suffering. that's what he can't get over, more than the virus itself.
though, trying to cannibalize people does stick with a guy. )
super-villain, huh? i don't remember you mentioning that part. for the record, i wouldn't have guessed.
no subject
I remade my image, and there was a lot I sacrificed to do it. Myself. Other people. It got burned all away and left in ashes. Looking back, it was probably too much to be worth it.
Even if I tell myself it was because I couldn't bear for others to be hurt because of me. Because of who I was.
There's no universal scale of good and evil, nor a means erasing what you've done. Believe me, I've tried. No one weighs your good deeds against your bad ones. Only you do that.
[ he knew Spider-Man. or, rather, a Spider-Man. he took him for chili dogs and helped him find his daughter despite all good reason for him to turn tail. they worked together to save someone.
that world or this one, he owes him. ]
no subject
( because that's the pinnacle he's standing at now. can he rebuild, can he take that next step forward, when as far as he's concerned he's crossed a line he can't come back from. he's always tried to be a hero, be worthy of the awe and hope and wonder that New York places in the idea of him.
more and more he's realizing how little he deserves it because of how far from heroic he actually is. a hero wouldn't ignore the possibility of their own infection, wouldn't break and abandon someone he loves, wouldn't hide on his own over trusting someone, anyone, to help him; a choice that resulted in even more people in danger. with great power came great responsibility and at every turn he had neglected his. )
i've done this before, you know?
i've hit that place i don't think i should return from and every time i tell myself it's going to be better
i'm going to be better
only here i am again and a whole city suffered because of me and i don't know if it's worth it either
( was it worth it, to take such care to save him? if anyone asked him, then no. no, it wasn't worth it. )
no subject
But you won't know, will you? Not unless you keep moving.
It's the same for me.
I have friends, and people whom I love.
If anything, you won't be who you were before.
You'll have people with you, those whose paths are in tandem with yours.
[ this is a conversation he should have somewhere along the line, but instead he kept it selfishly to himself. Loki was never a hero, but he wanted to be something else from what he used to be. after stumbling and being hounded by his own guilt, he had to be something else.
change or die, is what he told the wide-eyed child that was himself, before he ruined him.
change or die. ]
no subject
he can't go back. he can't be the person he was before. he'll be someone else, someone changed, whether he likes it or not, and he'll have to decide if that change is for the better.
change, or die. turns out the choice was made for him — all of Audentes had gone out of their way to keep him alive, and if he were going to choose death over hurting people, it's already too late for that, too late from when he put himself under instead of something more permanent. his choice is down to change and change alone, and he'll have to find a way to accept that. no matter how difficult it is proving to be. )
i guess i'm going to have to figure it out, then
if i've figured out anything, it's how to keep moving.
( grieving, healing, forgiving, those he's got to work on. but somehow functioning after each and every devastation... well, he somehow keeps managing that. )
no subject
when he did something wrong, when he hurt people after he was reincarnated in his form, he ran. it was easier to take the opportunity to start again then it was to allow those he had hurt to forgive him. sometimes they still come to mind, and something inside him aches when he misses them.
for a short while, he was a Young Avenger. ]
The future is something that's uncertain. That's a good thing.
No one wants fate dictating who they get to be.
At least, I don't.
Don't be too hard on yourself!! There's always mistakes out there to make. :)
no subject
he's off the beaten path, but he's not doing anything worth remembering, either. )
yeah, i guess there are. i'm remarkably gifted at finding them, too.
thanks for the offer. it's too late for me to take it, but i'm glad gwen had someone looking out for her.
no subject
Audentes may know your secret, but not everyone else in the multiverse has to.
TTFN.
no subject
in the end, he doesn't answer. it's a concern for a different time. it is too late for Audentes and Woodhurst both.
if he feels the need in their next mission, he'll let Loki know. )